Today, when my Southern man came home for lunch, the conversation turned to our kids and their lunches. This morning, my son asked if there was any more peanut butter, which there was, but it was the natural organic kind that he doesn’t use unless he is forced to, because it is cold, because I mix it up and put it in the refrigerator, because if I don’t it will separate and have to be mixed again and who has time or patience for that? However, because it is cold, it doesn’t spread well, so my son doesn’t like to use it, even though there is a simple solution called “nuke it for 15 seconds” so it has a better peanut butter spreading consistency. Whew!
So, I then told my Southern man how I’d reminded my son that we DID have turkey, and all he ever takes is peanut butter and fluff (marshmallow creme for you Southerners–Fluffernutter for you Northerners) or peanut butter and jelly and, meanwhile, the turkey will go bad, blah, blah, blah…at least I’m sure that is what my son heard…that last part, there. Anyways, after my spiel, my daughter says, “We have TURKEY?!” To which I reply, as I feel another hair on my head turn silver, “Yes! We’ve had turkey for two weeks!!” Meanwhile the thought in my head is “!!!!!?!!!!!” (Oh, and just to clarify, it’s not been the same turkey that we’ve had for 2 weeks, but another package.)
After I relayed my morning’s events to my patient Southern man, I wondered out loud, how is it that we can have all this food, yet we have “nothing to eat”. My kids will come home, open the fridge, stand there staring blankly, close the fridge, open the freezer, sigh, close the freezer, then proceed to the cupboards only to repeat the process. We also have a breadbox–same deal–open, stare, sigh, close. So, I mused to myself and my Southern man, “I wonder what they actually SEE?” I consulted with the almighty internet experts and this is the explanation I found for teen vision problems:
Myopia or nearsightedness, is one of the most common problems teens have with their eyes. When a teen has myopia, he or she is unable to focus properly on things that are far away. People with myopia have eyes that are a little longer than normal, measuring from the front of the eyeball to the back. This extra length means that light focuses in front of the retina (the part of the eye that receives images and sends them to the brain) instead of on it, and that affects vision. Glasses or contacts can easily correct this problem.
Hyperopia, or farsightedness, is another problem. People with hyperopia have trouble focusing on things close up because their eyes are too “short” from front to back. In people with hyperopia, light focuses behind the retina instead of on it, causing blurry vision. Someone with significant farsightedness will need glasses to correct his or her vision. But here’s an interesting fact: Many babies are born farsighted! Their eyeballs get longer as they grow, and most of them outgrow the condition.
Another condition where the eye is differently shaped is astigmatism. Here, the cornea isn’t perfectly round. To be able to see well — either close up or far away — the person needs contact lenses or glasses.
Nope, none of those are the problem. My son has corrective lenses and my daughter may need some (next on the list of appointments) but I know they must be able to see the food! Or can they? I mean, they see the television, computer and Xbox just fine. Maybe it is something that comes and goes. Well, I came up with a theory of what they must see when they open cupboards, breadboxes and refrigerators. Here is our actual cupboard:
And here is what I think our kids actually see:
Breadbox with teen vision:
As I thought about this teen vision theory of mine, it occurred to me that searching for food is not the only time it kicks in. This brilliant theory explains lots of things that our kids don’t seem to see–dirty laundry, clutter in the middle of the floor of their rooms, etc.. Case in point: our kitchen sink’s current condition:
What will they see? How will they react? Probably like Sergeant Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes:
Yes, I think I’ve got something with this theory of mine….